I discussed in my introductory post why I should have known far earlier that I am a sexual submissive. But I’m not entirely sure I’ve gone into my pining for a Dominant prior to actually submitting to one.
I have discussed the dichotomy of my husband/Master several times. It’s that delicious combination that satisfies me both emotionally and sexually.
When we first got together, I was a fucking wreck. I could not trust a man. I couldn’t stand up for myself. I was terrified of having feelings, of talking about them, of being rejected. Master had this really… let’s say sweet… White Knight complex. It worked for me for a few weeks, then I finally snapped the fuck out of it. I told him in no uncertain terms that I wasn’t a fucking damsel in distress, and I didn’t need him to fucking rescue me. He got pissed and left. I sat down on my bed and realized that was it. He was probably done with me forever and would never want to see me again. But a moment or so later, there was a knock on my door. And it was him. And he apologized for being such a patronizing asshole.
That’s not to say I was suddenly mentally healthy, as far as my trauma was concerned. But it was a big step to reclaiming who I was before my abusive relationship.
As I’ve mentioned before, I felt that something was missing. And I needed that violence because I needed the aftercare.
Ultimately, I think what I really need is to feel protected. Emotionally and physically. Not rescued, but protected. And that brings me to what I really wanted to talk about: Sasha and Cole.
I obsessively read and re-read Tara Sue Me’s Submissive/Partners in Play series. Each time I read through, I realize more and more just how absolute garbage it is. For real. But I can’t put it down because I’m more than a little bit in love with Cole.
Cole is the ultimate Dom to me. The fact that he’s fictional helps a lot. He’s wounded, loves profoundly, is extremely protective, and he’s absolutely terrifying in a scene. As a man who enjoys a 24/7 Master/slave relationship, he’s even scarier. I’m not interested in submitting 24/7. I don’t think I have the temperament for it in the first place, and I like having control of myself most of the time. But, as many of the female characters say throughout the novel, for him, I might change my mind.
He shouts at Sasha. When she hesitates, when she disobeys, if she fucks up in any way. Shouting, yelling, really any kind of raised voice usually cripples me emotionally. Leftovers from my ex. But the idea of it happening in a scene, when I’m already submitting, sounds sexy as hell. An angry, commanding Master dictating my every move, practically my every thought. What’s not to love?
But Sasha, traumatized and wounded Sasha, tries his self-control. Her affectionate nature, her trust, her openness, her vulnerability enchants him. He’s still strict with her, but the more he pushes her and commands her, the stronger she becomes. The more she heals. It turns out that Cole, the “Badass Brit” as they call him (shit I forgot to mention he’s British. Which also helps), is extremely sensitive. He guards his feelings and trains himself to hold back, but he feels so deeply. He lets his vulnerability show only so much, and only to certain people.
Now, my real-life Master isn’t British. And isn’t interested in 24/7. And doesn’t shout at me. But emotionally, he is very much just like that. He’s fragile in his own way. But he’s strong. Fierce. Protective. Gentle. Affectionate. Even as my Master, he can touch me with featherlight strokes and hold me with every ounce of love in his body. And really the orgasms? Those are just a plus.