I mentioned yesterday that Master reads my blog. He’s always been supportive of my writing, gets my sense of humor, and managed to get over the fact that I cuss every five fucking words in real life. As a result of this exposure to him, and with a desire not to paint him as a total asshole to a bunch of strangers, I find that I have avoided specifying any issues between us. Also, I wanted people to know that I’m into being dominated sexually, and my husband is like the greatest ever.
But that doesn’t mean he’s perfect. Or that our lives are.
I haven’t received any criticism that he seems unrealistic. Or that I must be lying about our lives. I see posters on this site talking about the issues in their relationships with candor and ease. I value my honesty in myself, so I feel I need to clarify for my own good.
I have spoken a bit of having issues in the abstract, but I’m never on here talking about times he hit me right in the spine with the riding crop and the level of pain was so high that I had to end the scene and couldn’t even look at him. And how that pissed me off. Especially when he did it again a few days later, and I started to feel like he was too lazy, and maybe D/s wasn’t for us. And it took days for me to forgive him because I was starting to doubt he was even really sorry, or really cared, if he could do it again after knowing how it made me feel the first time.
We worked through it. But GOD I was mad.
I haven’t talked about how sometimes my large absences from writing are due to issues between us and I have nothing positive to write about. Sometimes I’m too exhausted to have sex for a week or more. Sometimes I’m on my period and don’t want to talk about it. And I’m still self-conscious about admitting that I’ll do anal so Master gets laid (and after all, I do get a lot out of it.)
Sometimes the stress of work, bills, kids, and having to adult 90% of the time in our relationship gets to me. Sometimes I feel like I can’t talk to him about things that are going on inside my head, giving me anxiety attacks, because it makes the issues real if I say something. Because I don’t think he can help me feel better. Because it’s not like I can let go of micromanaging our finances anyway. I have MAJOR trust issues in letting anyone else touch them, and I took over all the bill-paying three months in our living together because he never mailed the check to the cable company.
I haven’t talked about how I feel lonely sometimes, even though he’s right there. I haven’t talked about how I’ve needed to cry but wouldn’t let myself because I didn’t want to be weak. I haven’t talked about the crippling depression that drives thoughts of self-harm and suicide. How I feel like I’m drowning.
So no, not everything is perfect in our lives. A lot of it is completely fucked, actually. But yesterday was not one of those days for me.
Our three year-old daughter made me laugh my ass off when she came running out of our bedroom with the riding crop. I told her to take it back into the bedroom and she shouted “IT’S NOT A TOY!” When we got home from daycare last night, she spent a lot of time playing with her 8-month old brother, hugging him til she accidentally pushed him over. Snuggling with him. Playing with me, even. And her Daddy is her favorite. And last night, we went to bed sexless (first day of period does not inspire sexy time for me.) We snuggled into each other and talked about our favorite memories in our relationship til we passed out. His arm wrapped around me and holding my hand.
We are SO not perfect. Sometimes I think about leaving. But a solid 98% of the time, things in our relationship are between blissful and pretty good. My job only sucks about half the time, his about two-thirds of the time (lately). He’s starting a Master’s program to better our quality of life. And I didn’t have to handle, or really even help, his application process. He did it all on his own, only asking me for the password to our online tax prep account (yep, I do our taxes, too.)
Things right now. Things are pretty good. Our little arguments kind of all blur together, so I don’t remember the last time we had one. I also don’t remember when exactly the last big fight happened, and I’m not 100% on the issue there, but I think it was the riding crop. I do remember the weird disconnection we felt from each other a few days ago due to a botched scene (no one was harmed in any permanent way.)
They say relationships are hard work. That you have to choose to love someone every single day. That they’re hard most of the time. Well, I learned from my abusive relationships that if you keep telling people that, they’ll work too hard to keep a toxic relationship. Yes, work is required. Yes, you have to put in the time and communication. But how hard is too hard?
That is not an issue in our marriage. Our friends and family don’t really know how often we fight. They’ve witnessed a moment or two when my husband said something really hurtful to me without realizing it. Sometimes I’ll confess something like “recently we’ve been fighting because of bills.” But they don’t know the extent and it’s none of their business.
We are still putting in a lot of work on our D/s relationship, though. And the payoff is amazing every time we break through something together. Master recently changed his mind on gags as a hard limit and I have SO thoroughly enjoyed that. Bless him. And as I’ve said before, BDSM has improved our marriage and communication skills. While I can’t “red” or “yellow” sometimes when life is getting to me, I can when we’re having an argument.
And you know, sometimes I’m no picnic, either. I have this weird thing where sometimes I’m a total bitch for no reason. And I overreact to something small. Or I hurt my husband’s feelings. Sometimes I don’t pull my weight with the kids or the household chores. Sometimes I’m standoffish and don’t want anyone to touch me. Sometimes I retreat into myself instead of talking things out. Sometimes I hold grudges. Sometimes I interrupt or talk over people. Sometimes I have violent fantasies of harming people. And lord, fuck. Everyone knows I’m Bipolar. And every now and then, pills just dull the crazy instead of keeping it at bay.
At the end of the day, our relationship IS strong. It IS healthy. And we DO love each other, both as husband and wife and Dominant and submissive.
But I don’t plan on often bitching about what an asshole my husband can be. Or our finances. And I don’t think it’s entirely appropriate to bitch about our kids here, either. (That would take a second blog.) I hope to have many more sexy times to brag about in the future.
Update: Master had some thoughts about the post. And it combined me telling him I felt fine writing it because my screenshot skills suck.