BDSM · Love and Relationships

How BDSM Improved My Marriage

I’ve loved my husband practically since the day we were formally introduced. It wasn’t love at first sight. Maybe the second. I’d like to take this moment to go on a slight tangent about the beginning of my relationship with Master.

The first time I saw him, I was holding the door to my dorm open for two neighbors and their friends. They were talking about The Dark Knight, and the man who would be my husband was saying that if it weren’t for Heath Ledger, the movie would have sucked. One of the neighbors began a short conversation with me as we rode the elevator up to the fifth floor of our dorm. The man who would be my husband kind of stared off into space and completely ignored me. I decided at that point that he was an asshole. Despite how much I agreed with his assessment of The Dark Knight.

A few weeks later, yet another breakup with on-again, off-again abusive soon-to-be-permanently-ex brought me to the conclusion that I’d had enough of this stupid sober college student bullshit. I was going to the next party our neighbors’ friends hosted, and I was going to drink. My suitemate decided to set me up with my future husband. After a couple shots of Bacardi 151 and my suitemate’s less-than-subtle segue into discussing music, he was walking me home from the party. And shook my hand goodnight.

I tell you all of that to tell you this: There was never a time in my relationship where I didn’t feel connected to my husband on a very deep and intimate level. I always felt he was exactly the man I should be with (since we got together, anyway). I have hated every single person I ever lived with except for him. I have found every other person I have ever met to be intolerable after more than four hours, except him. He makes me laugh, he’s able to talk about politics, religion, philosophy, art, and other important things, but he can also talk about shit as stupid as King of the Hill. And his weird obsession with Legend of Zelda, don’t even get me started. He has always been, far and above, my absolute favorite person.

But there was something missing. Something big. Early in our relationship, I was super insecure and unsure of whether he actually enjoyed being around me. Mostly not his fault, mostly due to my own insecurities. He quickly fixed what WAS his fault. We were having sex two to three times per day. Every day. But as our relationship flourished, and as I got more confident in myself and in our standing together, our sex life began to suffer.

Discovering BDSM saved our sex life. We’ve gone from a couple times a month, if my husband was lucky, to 4-5 times per week. And it is incredible. It’s the best sex I’ve ever had. And I love submitting and he loves Dominating me. But an increased amount of sex isn’t the only thing that made our marriage better.

BDSM is based around trust. You have to really trust someone to let them hit you with a flogger. Or tie you to the bed. Or ram their cock down your throat so hard that you can’t breathe. Obviously. We’d always had that level of trust between us. But it opened a whole new world where we were forced to communicate with each other.

I had to open up and tell my husband that I wanted him to dominate me in the bedroom. We had to discuss limits, things we were willing to try, and confess things we’d always been curious about but too afraid to tell each other.

We had to discuss the scenes afterwards. I had to tell him what worked for me, so hopefully he’d keep doing it. I had to tell him what I didn’t like, so hopefully he’d do it less. And I had to tell him what I absolutely never wanted to do again so we could add it to the list of limits.

And it just naturally flowed into our out-of-bedroom relationship. Before when we’d argue, we’d have several days of each of us thinking the other one was an asshole and waiting for the other to cave. We’d decide we didn’t want to fight anymore and just rugsweep. And resentment began to build over time.

We definitely don’t do that now. Within a few hours, we are able to determine with confidence who, in fact, the asshole actually is. Then we talk about our feelings, what we need, how we’d like things to be handled from then on, and then the fight is over. And we both feel better. And the issue rarely occurs again.

Also, submitting to my husband healed a rift in me of self-doubt and self-denial. I’m finally able to put my feelings into words and ask for what I need. And he’s able to give it to me. And more than that, he fulfills a need I have. And I fulfill one he has. And the connection that we feel, that trust and that openness, that honesty, has made our connection and love for each other so much deeper than it was before.

It may sound weird to say that I needed to be spanked before I could really get into the depths of my feelings and truly understand myself. But it’s true. And once I understood that, I was able to offer it to my husband. And he offered his truth to me, and we fit together like two pieces meant to connect to form the picture in a puzzle. We’ve always loved each other and been happily married. But now that connection is so much deeper. Like that photo of the iceberg with 95% of its mass under the water’s surface. We’re so much more than just married and in love. It’s like our connection and understanding of each other is in touch with the primal forces that dictate all human behavior and the entire history of the universe. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it seriously feels that serious. That important. That overwhelming.

And it’s beautiful. And for sure, we never would have found that connection to each other and to the rest of the universe without the transcending experience of BDSM.

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4 thoughts on “How BDSM Improved My Marriage

  1. I’m feeling a bit lucky today. I haven’t searched WordPress for quite a long time, but I did today and I’m sure glad I did. Your blog hooked me from your very first entry. I’m not sure if it’s your writing style, your sincerity, your honesty, your humor, etc… Most likely it’s a combination of everything. Whatever it was, I really enjoyed it. My wife and I have been married for 20 years and although I have had dominant tendencies and fantasies my entire adult life I never knew what they were until about 5 years ago. Shortly thereafter, I worked the nerve up and I broached the subject with my wife not knowing what kind of a response I would get. Thankfully her response was “If that’s what it takes to keep you happy and sexually satisfied, then I will learn how to please you and we can explore this together”… Wow… Of course those werent her exact words but it was very close. So since then we have floundered around joyously together and have come to really enjoy the dynamic and the way it has taken on a life of it’s own outside the bedroom as well. We both love it, but our only education has been what we have learned on the internet and attempted (some times with amazing results and sometimes epic fails) in the privacy of our bedroom. So BDSM has definitely improved our marriage as well in many many ways. I am going to share your blog with her as soon as we sit down together tonight and hopefully she will enjoy it as much as I have today. I look forward to reading about your adventures as you add them and hopefully using some of them as ideas for our own shenanigans. Cheers!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow, thank you for the incredible praise! Thank you for also sharing your story. It sounds like you and your wife have an amazing relationship, and I love hearing stories like that, particularly in regards to BDSM. Thanks again for the compliments, they made my day. 😊

      Like

  2. This is such a beautiful testament to how a marriage can be strengthened by BDSM – and how it fosters trust and openness both ways and in all aspects of a relationship.

    Liked by 1 person

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