Master and I were watching Sons of Anarchy the other night. And we watched the episode where Jax cheats on Tara with the porn star who has been chasing him since the beginning of the second season. I was so angry. But I was also really turned on by the scene. And it led to a weird, semi-depressed feeling that I don’t quite understand.
In my recent explorations of the BDSM internet world, I have seen a great deal of polyamorous relationships. Master and I have talked about including others in our play at some distant time in the future, maybe, if we get to a point where we feel comfortable trying it. I know, KNOW, in my head that polyamory isn’t cheating. I know what Jax did wasn’t even remotely related to polyamory. But that scene with him and… well, I don’t know her name but I hate her and she’s a bitch, so I’ll just refer to her as TW from here on out. TW is short for twatwaffle. Anyway, Jax and TW really upset me. The only reason it relates at all to a discussion of polyamory is because I have come to believe that engaging in polyamory would feel like cheating to ME.
So Master and I got to talking about the arousal I felt. I told him I sometimes fantasized about watching him with another woman, and that turned me on. But I think I would feel betrayed and unloved afterwards, even if I gave it the green light. He agreed about that, he doesn’t really like the idea of another man touching me. We’ve kicked around the idea of involving another Dominant to assist in a scene, but in such a way that he wouldn’t be engaging in anything too sexual. Tying me up. Whispering dirty things in my ear. Talking to Master about me like I’m not there. That kind of thing. And that turns me on, too. But I worry that Master would feel like I would if I saw him having sex with another woman.
I read about submissives preparing other submissives to serve their Master. I read about finding “prey” or “victims” for the Master. And like, cohabitating with them. Having to see and live with that other person every day. And then there are the relationships where one spouse is into kink and the other is vanilla, so the vanilla spouse allows the kinky spouse to go out and get their kink on with other people. It seems to really work for some people. It freaks me out. Big time.
I’m always saying “consent”, “if everyone is happy”, “if no one is getting hurt.” So, I’m not against other people engaging in polyamory. Hell, even if I was, my opinion has no fucking bearing on other people or relationships that don’t include me and I should mind my own fucking business. But in my heart, I just don’t think I’m cut out for that. Despite all the things I know in my head, my heart wants to tell me something else. And for some reason, it’s a hell of a lot more compelling right now than it usually is.
Which, you know, is fine too. Our relationship doesn’t HAVE to include anyone else. It doesn’t make us less kinky if we do it only with each other. I’m really not worried about that. Kink isn’t like the truncated menus at restaurants on Valentine’s Day, where you really get no choice on what you order. It’s like a Brazilian steakhouse, where they bring different kinds of meat over to your table and give you what you want and skip the stuff you don’t want. And they have that awesome buffet to help add to your meal so you’re not just eating pounds of meat (although that buffet is a little superfluous to me.) I’m no more required to participate in polyamory than I am required to participate in fire play, for instance.
It does bother me that I get so triggered over this stuff. I’ve mentioned before that I have been unfaithful in my past relationships, and at least one of my exes was out screwing anything with a pulse whenever he could. I think that’s why I get so set off by it. Even though my brain understands the VAST difference between cheating and polyamory, my heart doesn’t get it. At all. I hate that it might seem like I’m judging others because, really, I don’t care at all what consenting adults do in their own lives. I know what works for me is all I need to be worried about.
So as for whether we’re still considering trying to add other people to our play in the distant future? Well, it’s still not completely off the table. I mean, who knows what will happen down the road? We’re going to change and evolve. Will wanting other partners and/or participants be one of those changes? It’d be foolish to rule it out. But in the meantime, I’m over here clutching my pearls and trying to get the fuck over myself.
And picturing how I would have handled TW and Jax if I was Tara. I’m seeing lots of gasoline cans and a match. And remember, fire play is a hard limit for me. 😉
Disclaimer: No, I would not actually burn anyone. Added for legal reasons. THESUBWIFE DOES NOT ADVOCATE SETTING CHEATERS ON FIRE. Or people in general. Thank you.