In BDSM literature, the pinnacle of a Dom/sub relationship is the collaring of the submissive. Some Doms have more than one collared submissive at a time. But all in all, it is a symbol of the submissive’s commitment to serving to THAT Dom, and the Dom’s commitment to care for and treasure the submissive’s service and trust in them.
There are many types of collars in many different materials: leather, lace, stainless steal, pearls, etc. And in certain communities different collars can mean different things. For some examples and explanations, I found this website very helpful.
I was immediately drawn to the idea of collars. I wanted a symbol of my commitment to Master as his submissive. I wanted something he could look at any time of day or night and think of our connection. If I’m sitting on the couch reading or writing, if I’m snuggling our kids, if I’m folding laundry, cooking, or even just curling up in bed. I wanted something for Master to look at and remember what else I am to him.
I discussed what my collar means to Master with him last night. He said “it’s like a secret between the two of us, that only we know what it means. Like an inside joke, except serious.” I asked him if it meant anything to him insofar as being my Dominant. He said something along the lines of “Mmm, not really.” Because we have been together nearly 8 years, and married for 4 of those years, and have only been engaging in power exchange for almost a year, it just didn’t mean as much as a milestone in our relationship. I mean, it’s pretty difficult to commit MORE to a person with whom you have two children and who you’ve been with since your first year of college. It’s just not one of those things you check off your life’s To-Do List.
Graduate college. Check.
Get a job in your field. Check.
Move out of parents’ house. Check.
Get a pet. Check.
Get married. Check.
Buy a car. Check..
Have a kid or two or three… Check.
Buy a house. Check.
Collar a submissive/get collared by a Dominant? Ehhh.
However, this doesn’t mean the collar doesn’t mean as much to us. I asked Master if, god forbid, we ever broke up, would he look for his new significant other to be a submissive? He said yes. I asked if he would ever collar another submissive again. He said he would only collar a woman he cared for very deeply. It would be like an engagement ring, a promise to her to hold her needs and safety above all. A symbol of devotion, commitment, and love between them. And having been a Dominant now, he doesn’t want to ever NOT be one.
So for me, receiving a collar wasn’t about committing to each other more. Granted, I proudly wear it every day as a reminder of my service to Master. But for me, it was about embracing that this is who we are. I wear a very lovely engagement ring with an equally lovely wedding band every single day, symbolizing the love I share with my husband and the father of my children. It tells other potential suitors (not that there are any I know of…) that I am unavailable. Similarly, my collar tells other Dominants (again, not that there are any) that I belong to someone. My submission is for my Master alone.
Now, wearing it out in public has been kind of awesome. I wear it 24 hours a day, except for when I take a shower. I wear it to bed, to work, to drop my kids off at daycare, to go grocery shopping. I wear it in front of my co-workers, bosses, and even my parents. It IS very much like a secret between the two of us. Every now and then, I think someone might be looking at it and knowing what it means. Chokers aren’t exactly the style these days, no matter how simple. Sometimes I feel very brazen wearing it out in the real world.
As you can see from the picture of my collar here, it is very discreet.
It’s quite a bit tighter around my throat than that. But you get the idea. It may not scream BDSM, but it’s definitely whispering “this isn’t just a necklace I’m wearing.”
My parents were visiting with us this past weekend and my mother commented not once, but twice on how much she loved my necklace. My mom is HUGE into FSOG. It makes me want to punch through walls. Anyway, she MIGHT have an idea what it is. When I thanked her, I said “Husband’s-name gave it to me.” I didn’t take it off the whole weekend (except showers). Master and I chuckled discussing whether she knew.
At the end of the day, while bestowing this collar on me was not the most groundbreaking moment in our relationship, Master and I do recognize and respect its significance. It was simply natural for us to get to this step immediately, as we never had any intention of submitting to or dominating anyone else. It is a constant reminder of his command of my body, my mind, and my soul. Just as my wedding band is a constant reminder of our life-long commitment to each other. The collar and our wedding bands both equally stand for our love in two very different and equally profound aspects of our lives. After all, I don’t just submit to Master because the orgasms are amazing, but because it completes a part of me that was missing. The collar cumulatively represents that I am whole.