One advantage to working in the corporate world, in a company that doesn’t routinely hand out bonuses and raises, is that attorneys hand out gift cards like candy at Christmas. This year I received a $100 gift card to Amazon. I had some ideas how to spend it. So did Master (as I asked for his input).
I spent a large amount of it on lingerie. My favorite being a nude-colored brocade corset. It also turned out to be Master’s favorite. But his contribution to the shopping cart was the suggestion of a riding crop. I bought it to surprise him, and we finally received it last week.
Master had me wait, kneeling, for him. He directed me to wear the nude corset. I also donned the matching thong because I know how much he enjoys it on me. When he came into the room, I had just settled onto my knees. He immediately ordered me to stand, and I did. He then worked me over with the riding crop for many blissful, incredible, heady minutes. The end result was overwhelming and extremely satisfying. I can only begin to touch on the depths of pleasure Master elicited from me at his own pleasure.
More important than the earth-shattering orgasms is what the riding crop represents to me. I wear a collar every day. It’s a day collar, so not obviously a mark of my submission to the outside world. Master and I have not yet explored all the areas we want to explore. And seeing as how Master is not a 27-year old CEO millionaire, our resources are limited. Particularly because we have to spend our hard-earned money on things like a mortgage, car payments, and feeding the two tiny human-shaped monsters that live in our house. So to finally have a “REAL” BDSM toy (other than the very expensive handcuffs I bought… which led to my pregnancy with my son…) was groundbreaking.
There are times when I wonder if this is really something I want. Yes, I enjoy it very much. But I’m prone to intense but short-term obsessions. This one has been going on for over a year now, but with a 9-month break. It’s been five consecutive months since we picked it back up, which is a bit longer than my usual intense obsessions. But still I wondered if this was really me, or if it was something I found fun now and in which I would lose interest and move on. Like knitting. And painting. And learning violin. And cross-stitching. And learning Italian. And going back to college to eventually obtain a PhD in European history while learning French and Italian (so I could become a research professor bouncing around Italy, England and France and studying the historic figures for which my obsession has been years-long.)
Basically, there was doubt. A lot of doubt. There WAS. After experiencing the riding crop, I realized that this is not a short-term thing. This isn’t something I’m toying with until I get bored and move on to my next hypomanic delusion. I trusted Master, and he took his time to excite me, to push me, to gradually draw out every drop of ecstasy that could be drawn. I finally feel like I’m not just posing as a submissive, or playing at being one. Waiting on my knees, blindfolded, shivering as he ran the crop all over my body, bringing it down when I least expected and where I least expected, was the defining moment. I had the epiphany that this IS who I am. I have no more doubts. And I’m not ashamed.
I mean, I’m not about to post a status update on Facebook for my parents, little brother, aunts, uncles, cousins, boss, and High School English teacher to read. “MASTER JUST WHIPPED ME WITH A RIDING CROP. I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO WET IN MY WHOLE LIFE. #BDSM #SUBMISSIVESEXISAWESOME #INEEDTOWASHMYSHEETS”
Not my style. But even so, I could hardly wait to share this revelation. This changed the game. I never have to feel insecure about what I’m doing kneeling and crawling and calling my husband “Sir” or “Master”.
There are moments in just about everyone’s life where they have to learn or accept something about themselves that they hadn’t previously. And it occurs throughout a lifetime, I think. At 27, I feel like I have a pretty good grasp of who I am. And withstanding, and thoroughly enjoying, the riding crop, I finally have enough proof for myself to see myself as a sexual submissive.
*Note: Prior to using the riding crop, Master and I discussed what we would be comfortable with and what we would like to try, outside a scene. We also tested it out while not in a scene and without the intention of having sex. We gauged how hard was too hard, what felt pleasurable, what didn’t feel like enough, etc. We researched beforehand and were both fully prepared before going into the scene. I fully trusted Master and he knew what he should and should not do. That isn’t to say we’d worked out a routine, but we’d established a base upon which we could build. And BOY did we build.
I know one more thing after this experience. I know that I can’t wait to do it again.